Humor: funny stories and jokes

[larrypad]

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.

Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did??"

The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says, "My God, what happened next!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[oregonswinger]

A man was walking down the street when he noticed the prettiest girl he had ever seen. He went up to her and said "I must have my way with you right now." The lady looking all confused said "excuse me?" The man said "I'll drop $500 on the ground, and by the time you pick it up I'll be behind and do what ever I want to you." The lady looking confused said "wait a minute, let me call my friend." So she calls her friend and she tells her friend "this guy says to me that he will drop $500 on the ground and by the time I pick it up he would be behind me doing whatever he wants with me." Her friend said "you should do it, because by the time he drops the money you can pick it up and run before he gets behind you. So call me later and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later she calls her friend, her friend asked her what happened. She said "the jerk had $500 in quarters!"

[vickiec]

A reporter was in a small town interviewing a local about the town when he asked the man to tell him a feel good story to print.
"Well there was that one time that Dudleys wife got lost up in the woods. A bunch of us guys got together to go find her. By the time we found her we were so drunk we all took turns fuckin her."
The reporter tells the man that he can't print that and asks for a sad story. Pitifully the man drops his head and says
"Well there was that time I got lost up there."

LOL!!! ))

Hope, you'll like it

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said "That's right."

[skillas44]

There is a family of three at a nudest beach. A mom, dad and their son. The mom's making breakfast, the dad walking around, and the kid outside playing. After five minutes of being there the kid comes in and tells his mom that he saw a girl with really BIG boobs. The mom replies "the BIGGER the DUMBER." The kid goes back outside to play and five minutes later comes back inside. This time he tells his mom that he saw a guy with a really BIG PENIS. His mom replies "the BIGGER the DUMBER." The kid goes back out to play. He returns ten minutes later. But this time he says "mommy I saw daddy talking to this really dumb lady and daddy was getting dumber by the second."

it made me laugh nice!!

After a few years of married life, the guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke...
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens after when its over?". The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down". "But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!"
This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"

Ha ha! Read this hilarious joke!!

A young man walks into a bar one evening and sits down next to a georgeous young redhead who was sitting all alone. He started talking to her and they really hit it off. She was intelligent, good sense of humor and interested in many of the same things he was.
After a few drinks, she asked him if he would like to stop at her apartment, which was nearby for a nightcap.
Of course, he immediately said yes , so they left.
After a couple of more drinks in her apartment, she asked him if he would like to see her bedroom, and course, becoming very aroused by this time he said yes.
They went into her bedroom and he noticed she had a huge collection of teddy bears. There were small ones along a shelf near the floor, there were medium sized ones on a shelf further up, and there were giant ones on a shelf near the ceiling.
The guy was so horny by this time he decided not to ask her about the collection.
So they tore off there clothes and jumped into bed and started making love.
An hour later, the man looks over at the redhead and said, "How was that, baby?"
She returned his smile and said "You can take anything from the bottom shelf when you leave."

[hijokai]

What does Mr. Kipling do all day?

He pumps cream into tarts

)

A guy and a girl are in a bar, they are both pretty drunk. The guy says to the girl "you wanna go back to my place?" The girl says "sure!" So they arrive at his house, he says "hey, you know I've always had this thing I want to do!" She says "what is it?" He says "Nevermind you'll think I'm weird!" She says "I like new things." He says "ok, I have always wanted to do a girl with my big toe!" She says "ok, I'm down for that!" So he does her with his big toe and goes to sleep! He wakes up and she is gone! He looks down and his toe is fat, green, and puss is running out of it! So he goes to the doctor. The doctor examines it and goes out of the room. He comes back in and the guy says "so what is it doc?" The doc says "you have a case of gonarrhea of the big toe!" The guy says "that's probably the weirdest thing you've ever seen huh?" The doctor says "Actually no. A girl came in here about an hour ago with athlete's cunt!"

[oregonswinger]

that was really good that's so funny, thank you for that laugh! :-)