Humor: funny stories and jokes

A woman decided to give a costume party. She told all the guests to come dressed as an emotion, and the other guests would try to guess what emotion each costume represented. First came a man dressed all in blue. Of course his emotion was easy - he had the blues. Next came a woman dressed all in green. Her emotion was easy too - she was green with envy. Finally in came a man who was completely naked, except for a bowl of custard strapped around his waist, and his penis in the custard. Nobody could guess what emotion he represented. Finally the hostess said, "We give up. What emotion are you?"
And the man said, "I'm fucking disgusted."

[ohmygawds]

An old lady in her seventies gives thought to all the things she's done in her life. She thought about the things she hadn't done and decides to try horseback riding , even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the old lady begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the old lady attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

One day this cat went for a walk along the lake, it was walking around minding its own business when it saw a little saussage poking out of the water, the cat walked over and stuck one of its paws in.
The next day the cat was walking along the same rivier and it saw the saussage again this time it was bigger so the cat walked over and stuck both its front paws in.
A week later the cat came back and saw a HUGE saussage poking out of the water so it took a run up and dived into the water.

Whats the moral of the story??

The bigger the saussage the wetter the pussy.

Superman flew past a skyscraper and saw wonder woman naked, spreadeagled on the roof. He thought "mmm.. with my super powers i could fly down there shag her and fly away before she knew what hit her'. So he did.
Seconds later wonder woman asks 'what was that??!'
'I dont know', says the invisible man, 'but my arse hurts!'.

[manure]

Men who drop watch in toilet have shitty time

Men who stand on toilet is high on pot

Men who go to bed with itchy bum, wakes up in morning with smelly finger

Men who walk thru airport turnstile sidewards is going to Bangkok

Virginity is like bubble... one prick and it's gone

Men with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Men who stand behind car all day get exhausted

Foolish men give wife grand piano. Wise men give wife upright organ

Panties not best thing on earth - but next to best thing on earth

Men who fish in other mans well soon to catch crabs

Men who masturbate into cash register soon to come into money

Passionate kiss is like a spider's web - leads to undoing of fly

Two idiots drove to a gas station in a remote district for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the patrons of the station, to anybody who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the man asked the attendant about the contest. The attendant said, "If you win, you're entitled to free SEX," and the man asked how can he enter the contest. The attendant explained, "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess it right you win free SEX."

So the idiot filled up and asked to play the contest and said, " I Guess 7."

"Sorry I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.

The next week, the two returned to the same gas station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one idiot asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex. "2," said the idiot. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As the two idiots were walking back to the car, one idiot said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the other idiot, "My wife won twice last week."

A woman and her lover are in bed when her husband arrives home early. She jumps up, shoves her lover in a corner of the room, rubs him down with baby oil and douses him in talcum powder.
"Don't move!" she whispers. "Act like a statue!"
When the husband enters the bedroom, he compliments his wife on the new decoration. She explains that the Smith family next door recently acquired a similar statue for their bedroom, and if they could get one, so could she. The couple then go to bed. At midnight the husband sneaks downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies and returns upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue.
"Here," he says. "I stood around for three days at the Smiths' house and they never fed me a thing!"

A guy is in a British private hospital, in bed, asleep, with an oxygen mask on his face. The nurse walks in, see's he's a little sweaty, and proceeds to wipe his brow. Feeling this, the guy opens his eyes. "Oh nurse" he says, "can you check something for me?" "Certainly" say's the nurse, "What is it?" The man looked at her with a pleading expression "Can you please check to see if my testicles are black?" "No one's said anything to me and I really need to know if my testicles are black." Without further ado, the nurse pulled back the sheets, took his manhood in one hand and felt around his balls with the other. Within seconds, the guy's manhood grew and grew. The nurse took no notice - professional - and, just as she expected, the fluid flew forth. Without a word, the nurse let nature take it's course, then wiped the guy down once the flow had finished. Pulling the sheets back up, the nurse looked at the guy and said "Well, Mr Brown, I'm pleased to say that everything down there is in perfect working order, so there's nothing to be concerned about in that department." The guy looked at her. He was obviously elated and well pleased. "Thank you nurse, that was totally unexpected and very much appreciated, but ,can you tell me..." he removes the oxygen mask... "Are my test results back?"

[marianchuck]

What do you call a hooker in Alaska?

A frostitute.

:-))))

that's classic read this one


A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds"