Humor: funny stories and jokes

[ohmygawds]

A little boy and his father were staying home by theremselves on day while the mom was out of town, so the dad tells Mrs White (neighbor) to come over. They have sex for a few hours. The next day while the dad is at work the mom comes home so the little boy says "MOM daddy and Mrs. White were.."

"No stop David (boy) wait till ur father comes home" says the mom hurt and dissapointed. So when the father comes home the mom says "so David what was daddy doing with Mrs White while I was gone?"
"He was doing the same thing that you and Mr. Greenlow was doing when daddy's out of town."

[skillas44]

On the day of Johnny's 16th birthday his father comes down and says "Son, it's your birthday, heres $100.00 to go get laid". So off Johnny goes but on the way to the whorehouse he passes grandma out in the yard. She says "Where are you off to Johnny?" he says "Dad gave me 100.00 to get laid". She says "Hmm hell I'll do it for $100.00. Not knowing the difference he says ok. When he gets back home dad asks "So how did it go?" Johnny says "Well I never made it to the whorehouse, granny did me for $100.00." Shocked, Johnny's father says "You mean you fucked my mother?" Johnny says "Why not... you fuck mine..."

[oregonswinger]

LOL! Read this joke! it's outstanding

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

what is the difference between a husband and a boy friend?

answer: about 45 minutes!!!

)) pls tell me which one was longer?

I think 1 hour is not enough :-)) read this moral story........

There were two twenty year old guys, one on one side of the world and the other on the other side of the world. One of the guys is walking a tight rope between two tall buildings. The other is getting a head job from an 80 year old woman.

Whats the moral to the story? Don't look down!!

[marianchuck]

What is the difference between oral and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak )

short, but very funny

Three guys got drunk and went to sleep in the same bed. They woke next morning. The guy on the left said "I had a dream that someone was holdin my dick!", the guy on the right said "me too", the guy in the the middle said "I had a dream I was skiing"

[manure]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified".

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.

So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.

She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said

"One box of large condoms to register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting and,like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said,

"One box of medium sized condoms to register 5."

A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over he counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said,

"Clean up at register 5!"

That's pretty funny Read this

There were 3 guys sitting at a bar. The first guy says "I'm having a problem with my daughter, I went into my daughter's room and I found a package of ciggerttes, I didn't even know she smokes!!"
The second guy says "You think that's bad, I went in to my daughter's room and I found a bottle of scotch, I didn't even knew she drinks!!"
The 2 guys look at the 3rd guy and ask why is he so gloomy, he turns and looks at them and says "you think that's bad, I went into my daughter's room and I found a package of condoms, I didn't even know she has a fuckin penis!!!!!!"