Humor: funny stories and jokes

[vickiec]

I remember that joke! That was funny!!

A couple were sleeping one night, when the woman woke suddenly. She turned to her boyfriend and said "I just had the best dream!" The man said "about what?" The woman said "well, they were having a penis auction - large penis were going for $150, medium penis were going for $50 and small penis were going for $25." The man asked "what was mine going for?" she said "$10." A bit pissed the man went back to sleep. The next night the couple were sleeping when the man woke suddenly and said "I just had the best dream!" The woman said "about what?". He said "well, they were having a pussy auction and the tightest pussies were going for $150, the loose pussies were going for $50, and the loosest pussies were going for $25." The woman asked "well what was mine going for?" And the man smiled and said "where do you think the auction was held?"

[ohmygawds]

LOOK HERE! THIS JOKE IS AWESOME!!

A man comes home from work and tells his wife "come on honey let's have sex". She says "you can't talk like that in front of the kids, say something like let's do the laundry or lets do the dishes". The man says "ok."
Next day he comes home from work and says "ok, honey let's do the laundry". The wife says "ok, but let me feed the kids first." So the man waits. An hour later he says "come on honey the kids are fed, let's do the laundry".
The wife says "ok let me just put the kids to bed and we'll do the laundry for sure".
Couple hours go by and the wife goes up to the man and says "ok, honey! I'm ready. Let's do the laundry." The man says "that's ok, it was a small load, I did it by hand."

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."


I think this funny story somehow reflects real life

[hijokai]

thats a little unusual but very funny :-)) I mean previous joke

[larrypad]

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He says "well, pussy and bitch". She says "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad, the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

[manure]

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.

The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do....he's in too far!"

[oregonswinger]

that was hilarious!!

A young couple got married, and on their first night in their new home, the husband said, "Sweetheart, we should set up some sort of a signaling system regarding sex. When we go to bed at night, if you want sex, just reach over and pull my penis twice."

The wife said, "Fine, but what do I do if I don't want sex?"

The husband said, "Then reach over and pull my penis fifty or sixty times."

))

LOL, ha ha