Humor: funny stories and jokes

[funnyhunny]

A guy walks into a bar and sees that there is some sort of contest going on. He askes the barman "what type of contest is it?". The barman replies "it's to see who can make the horse in the back room laugh". The guy thinks about it and figures he can do it, even though nobody had succeded so far. He walks into the back room and a few seconds later comes out and the horse is rolling on the floor with laughter. The guy collects his prize and leaves.

The next day the guy somes back to the bar and there is another contest going on, this time to see who can make the horse cry. The guy thinks to himself "no problem". So he walks in the back room and a few seconds later walks out, and the horse is bawling. The barman asks "I want to know how did you do it so easily both times?" The guy replies "the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his... the second time I showed him!!" :roll:

[missymolly]

A woman and her husband were lying in bed, the husband was reading a book while his wife was trying to sleep, out of nowhere the husband reaches over, plays with his wife, and then continues reading, the wife turns over and grins at her husband then procedes to go back to sleep, a few minutes later the husband reaches up his wifes nightgown, plays with her a little, then continues reading again, so this time the wife thinks "ok, I'm going to get some loving tonight!" so she gets undressed and starts kissing her husband's neck. Her husband looks over and says "what are you doing?" and the wife says "well, you kept touching me so I thought you wanted to have sex" the husband then laughs and says "No! I WAS JUST GETTING MY FINGERS WET TO TURN THE PAGES!!"

[mcdrain]

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," says the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright" replies the woman "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man is completely absorbed and inquires what else the pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. He stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, he replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

A man comes home late one night and decides to have sex with his wife. They do it, then go to sleep. The next day at work, the man gets bored and calls his wife.
Maid: Hello?
Man: Hello? Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Man: I don't remember getting a maid, anyways... where is my wife?
Maid: She is upstairs with a man whom I figuered was her husband.
Man: What?! Ok, get the gun from the kitchen.
Maid: Got it.
Man: Now, go and shoot my wife and the man that she is with.
The man hears the phone drop, footsteps, and a couple of gunshots.
Maid: What do I do with the bodies?
Man: Throw them in the pool.
Maid: What pool?
Man: Hm... Is this 555-7943?!

what are six most important men in a woman's life and why?

the doctor - he says to take your clothes off
the interior designer - he says once it's in you'll love it
the beautition - he asks if you want it teased or blown
the banker - he says if you take it out too soon you'll lose interest
the milk man - he asks if you want it in the front or back
the dentist - he says open wide

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from an airplane. Ten were blonde and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping. So the problem solved...

what did an elephant say to tarzan when he was naked?

"how can you breath with such a small nose?"

[oregonswinger]

A guy walks into an adult store and asks the lady at the counter for a blow up doll. She asks him "oral, anal, or regular?" The guy replies "well I want regular". She then asks him "male or female?" The guy replies "well I want female". Then she says "do you want muslem or christian?" The guy says "why the hell would that matter?" The girl at the counter says "The muslem one blows itself up." LOL

[larrypad]

Q: What language do lesbians speak?
A: Lesbineese

:lol:

There was a blond, a brunette and a redhead waiting to see the doctor for an ultrasound. The redhead says "I'm expecting a boy, I heard if you want to have a boy you should be on the bottom during sex." Then the brunette says "I'm hopeing for a girl, I heard if you want to have a girl you should be on top during sex."

Then the blond starts crying, so the brunette and the redhead looked over at the blond and asked. "Whats wrong? Why are you crying?" The blond replied "I don't wanna have puppies!"