Humor: funny stories and jokes

There is one thing that a man has that the government can never tax, that's his penis, because ninety percent of the time it's not working, ten percent of the time it's in the hole, and if that isn't enough, it only has two dependents, and they are both nuts!

[johnmassive]

Two young boys, both from well-to-do families, were talking over a Macdonalds.

1st Boy: Our new French maid is a robot.

2nd Boy: A Robot? Maids aren’t robots.

1st Boy: But ours is... I overheard my dad telling one of his golf buddies that he screws her ass off every Saturday!!!

[hotlesbian25]

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"

"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it to her daughter.

"But when a baby’s actually being born," responded the teenager.... "how does it get past your teeth?"

[marianchuck]

A very shy guy goes for a drink and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won’t sleep with you!"

Everyone in the bar stared at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What ya mean you want 200 bucks for a blow job?"

[badboy]

A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a French farmer, seeking to find out the main cause of Mad Cow Disease.

The Lady: - "Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the causes of Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that the bull fucks the cow once a year?"

The Lady (getting embarrassed), "Well sir, that’s a new piece of information, but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

The Farmer, "Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day ?"

The Lady, "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

The Farmer, "I am getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and fucking you once a year, wouldn’t YOU get mad?"

:lol:

[jacksin]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of ‘boobies’ are there?”

The father, surprised, answers.

"Well, son, there’s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?", said the son.

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?"

The mother smiles and answers.

"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. In his thirties and forties, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it’s like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?", said the daughter.

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

A man is standing at the urinal in a public toilet quietly going about his business when the door flies open and a big black guy runs in, whips his dick out and letting out a sigh of relief stands next to him. The black guy smiles at him and says "Just made it!!" The first man takes a look at the black man’s dick and say’s "Shit!... Could you make me one like that?"

This one’s been around, but it never gets old.

Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob.

Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can’t beat a blowjob.

A father catches his son masturbating:
- Son, you can go blind by masturbating.
- Dad, I'm over here!!

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure devise. She gets completely upset.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I’ll explain the toy if you explain the kids."