Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

You are welcome to post different amusing stories and jokes here according to the subject-matter of the site.

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

here is a spicy story from my mailbox :-)

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the
midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.
"No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached; I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see
her that the baby is black".
"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no money
and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie.
The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my
business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions
but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was
this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business
either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the
movie, I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby and presents
her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the butt.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that
it was going to bark."

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

that is funny as hell!!

A man was going down the street of the city he lived in. He was known to be a big perv always looking for some ass. He walked around until he saw a woman he thought was sexy and said "Tickle your ass with a feather?" the woman exclaimed "WHAT?!" the man acted quickly and changed what he said to "extrordinary nice weather?" the woman just looked at him wierd and said "ummm... yeah sure". He then saw another girl and asked the same question "Tickle your ass with a feather?" she screamed " WHAT?!" and corrected himself again, "extrodinary nice weather?" she said "oh, yeah sure". But there was a drunk nearby, who saw the whole thing and asked what he was doing. The perv replied "I came up with this trick, I asked he girl if I could tickle her ass with a feather and when she says 'WHAT?!' you quickly change your wording. The drunk man thought about for a minute and thought 'what the hell?'. He walked to the nearest girl and said "Can I shove a feather up your ass?" when the woman screamed "WHAT?!" the drunk replied: "Look at the fucking clouds"!!

LOL!

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"Tell all of your sins, my daughter."
"Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend made hot, passionate love to me seven times," she says.
The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, "Take seven lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it."
"Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?"
"No," the priest says, "but it'll wipe that smile off your face!"

Hope you'll like it :-)

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

I think this joke is rather old... nevertheless, it's worth reading

A husband and a wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find that it overloaded and only the wife and nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that sound is driving me nuts!"

The blind man replies: "if you would've put rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

One day mom was cleaning her son's room and under the bed, she found a bondage Sadism/Masochism magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

:-DDD

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

this joke is the most excellent one!!! LOL

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

that joke is top quality. good stuff!

minute man
 

An older man had met a younger woman, but unfortunately he was unable to last very long before he would orgasm during sex. A caring man, he was concerned that he was disappointing his new lover, so he called his doctor for advice.

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What the hell are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.

Re: minute man
 

Such a wonder and vivid joke. A really good one! :)

Re: minute man
 

I remember that joke! That was funny!!

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

A couple were sleeping one night, when the woman woke suddenly. She turned to her boyfriend and said "I just had the best dream!" The man said "about what?" The woman said "well, they were having a penis auction - large penis were going for $150, medium penis were going for $50 and small penis were going for $25." The man asked "what was mine going for?" she said "$10." A bit pissed the man went back to sleep. The next night the couple were sleeping when the man woke suddenly and said "I just had the best dream!" The woman said "about what?". He said "well, they were having a pussy auction and the tightest pussies were going for $150, the loose pussies were going for $50, and the loosest pussies were going for $25." The woman asked "well what was mine going for?" And the man smiled and said "where do you think the auction was held?"

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

LOOK HERE! THIS JOKE IS AWESOME!!

A man comes home from work and tells his wife "come on honey let's have sex". She says "you can't talk like that in front of the kids, say something like let's do the laundry or lets do the dishes". The man says "ok."
Next day he comes home from work and says "ok, honey let's do the laundry". The wife says "ok, but let me feed the kids first." So the man waits. An hour later he says "come on honey the kids are fed, let's do the laundry".
The wife says "ok let me just put the kids to bed and we'll do the laundry for sure".
Couple hours go by and the wife goes up to the man and says "ok, honey! I'm ready. Let's do the laundry." The man says "that's ok, it was a small load, I did it by hand."

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big stock portfolio."


I think this funny story somehow reflects real life :)

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

thats a little unusual but very funny :-)) I mean previous joke

Mom and Dad
 

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem."
She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using 2 words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they are. He says "well, pussy and bitch". She says "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad, the boys at school are using words I don't know, and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning.
Dad says "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?"
He tells him...pussy and bitch.
Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy."
"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Son" he says, "everything outside that circle."

Car Accident
 

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200 mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peels off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.

The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe," he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do....he's in too far!"

Re: Car Accident
 

that was hilarious!!

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

A young couple got married, and on their first night in their new home, the husband said, "Sweetheart, we should set up some sort of a signaling system regarding sex. When we go to bed at night, if you want sex, just reach over and pull my penis twice."

The wife said, "Fine, but what do I do if I don't want sex?"

The husband said, "Then reach over and pull my penis fifty or sixty times."

:)))

Re: Car Accident
 

LOL, ha ha

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

A little boy and his father were staying home by theremselves on day while the mom was out of town, so the dad tells Mrs White (neighbor) to come over. They have sex for a few hours. The next day while the dad is at work the mom comes home so the little boy says "MOM daddy and Mrs. White were.."

"No stop David (boy) wait till ur father comes home" says the mom hurt and dissapointed. So when the father comes home the mom says "so David what was daddy doing with Mrs White while I was gone?"
"He was doing the same thing that you and Mr. Greenlow was doing when daddy's out of town."

Johnny's 16th birthday
 

On the day of Johnny's 16th birthday his father comes down and says "Son, it's your birthday, heres $100.00 to go get laid". So off Johnny goes but on the way to the whorehouse he passes grandma out in the yard. She says "Where are you off to Johnny?" he says "Dad gave me 100.00 to get laid". She says "Hmm hell I'll do it for $100.00. Not knowing the difference he says ok. When he gets back home dad asks "So how did it go?" Johnny says "Well I never made it to the whorehouse, granny did me for $100.00." Shocked, Johnny's father says "You mean you fucked my mother?" Johnny says "Why not... you fuck mine..."

Be my witness
 

LOL! Read this joke! it's outstanding :)

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.

He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

what is the difference between a husband and a boy friend?

answer: about 45 minutes!!!

:))) pls tell me which one was longer? ;)

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

I think 1 hour is not enough :-)) read this moral story........

There were two twenty year old guys, one on one side of the world and the other on the other side of the world. One of the guys is walking a tight rope between two tall buildings. The other is getting a head job from an 80 year old woman.

Whats the moral to the story? Don't look down!!

Oral and Anal Sex
 

What is the difference between oral and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day and Anal sex makes your whole weak :))

Three Guys :)
 

short, but very funny :)

Three guys got drunk and went to sleep in the same bed. They woke next morning. The guy on the left said "I had a dream that someone was holdin my dick!", the guy on the right said "me too", the guy in the the middle said "I had a dream I was skiing"

Two Old People
 

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified".

Shopping Center Feelup
 

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.

So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.

She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said

"One box of large condoms to register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting and,like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said,

"One box of medium sized condoms to register 5."

A few customers back was this teen-aged boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over he counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said,

"Clean up at register 5!"

Re: Shopping Center Feelup
 

That's pretty funny :) Read this

There were 3 guys sitting at a bar. The first guy says "I'm having a problem with my daughter, I went into my daughter's room and I found a package of ciggerttes, I didn't even know she smokes!!"
The second guy says "You think that's bad, I went in to my daughter's room and I found a bottle of scotch, I didn't even knew she drinks!!"
The 2 guys look at the 3rd guy and ask why is he so gloomy, he turns and looks at them and says "you think that's bad, I went into my daughter's room and I found a package of condoms, I didn't even know she has a fuckin penis!!!!!!"

Horny Parrot
 

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help.

The store he entered specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet.

Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"

The parrot says, "With my penis, you dummy."

The guy is startled and says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot."

The parrot says, "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."

The guy says, "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."

The parrot says, "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Bush said this, the A's won, the Giants lost, the Pope did so and so.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come in and shut the door."

The guy says, "What's up?"

The parrot says, "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."

The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion."

The parrot says, "Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts."

The guy says, "He did??"

The parrot says, "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts."

The guy says, "My God, what happened next!?"

The parrot says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

$500
 

A man was walking down the street when he noticed the prettiest girl he had ever seen. He went up to her and said "I must have my way with you right now." The lady looking all confused said "excuse me?" The man said "I'll drop $500 on the ground, and by the time you pick it up I'll be behind and do what ever I want to you." The lady looking confused said "wait a minute, let me call my friend." So she calls her friend and she tells her friend "this guy says to me that he will drop $500 on the ground and by the time I pick it up he would be behind me doing whatever he wants with me." Her friend said "you should do it, because by the time he drops the money you can pick it up and run before he gets behind you. So call me later and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later she calls her friend, her friend asked her what happened. She said "the jerk had $500 in quarters!"

Sad Story
 

A reporter was in a small town interviewing a local about the town when he asked the man to tell him a feel good story to print.
"Well there was that one time that Dudleys wife got lost up in the woods. A bunch of us guys got together to go find her. By the time we found her we were so drunk we all took turns fuckin her."
The reporter tells the man that he can't print that and asks for a sad story. Pitifully the man drops his head and says
"Well there was that time I got lost up there."

LOL!!! :)))

a lesson in church
 

Hope, you'll like it ;)

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said "That's right."
Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."
Finally, the priest asked "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said "That's right."

Nudest Beach
 

There is a family of three at a nudest beach. A mom, dad and their son. The mom's making breakfast, the dad walking around, and the kid outside playing. After five minutes of being there the kid comes in and tells his mom that he saw a girl with really BIG boobs. The mom replies "the BIGGER the DUMBER." The kid goes back outside to play and five minutes later comes back inside. This time he tells his mom that he saw a guy with a really BIG PENIS. His mom replies "the BIGGER the DUMBER." The kid goes back out to play. He returns ten minutes later. But this time he says "mommy I saw daddy talking to this really dumb lady and daddy was getting dumber by the second."

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

it made me laugh nice!!

After a few years of married life, the guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke...
The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1 2 3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens after when its over?". The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1 2 3 4' and it will go down". "But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!"
This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news... So he is lying in bed with her and says "1 2 3", and suddenly he gets a hard-on. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '1 2 3' for?"

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

Ha ha! Read this hilarious joke!!

A young man walks into a bar one evening and sits down next to a georgeous young redhead who was sitting all alone. He started talking to her and they really hit it off. She was intelligent, good sense of humor and interested in many of the same things he was.
After a few drinks, she asked him if he would like to stop at her apartment, which was nearby for a nightcap.
Of course, he immediately said yes , so they left.
After a couple of more drinks in her apartment, she asked him if he would like to see her bedroom, and course, becoming very aroused by this time he said yes.
They went into her bedroom and he noticed she had a huge collection of teddy bears. There were small ones along a shelf near the floor, there were medium sized ones on a shelf further up, and there were giant ones on a shelf near the ceiling.
The guy was so horny by this time he decided not to ask her about the collection.
So they tore off there clothes and jumped into bed and started making love.
An hour later, the man looks over at the redhead and said, "How was that, baby?"
She returned his smile and said "You can take anything from the bottom shelf when you leave."

riddle
 

What does Mr. Kipling do all day?

He pumps cream into tarts

:))

Re: riddle
 

A guy and a girl are in a bar, they are both pretty drunk. The guy says to the girl "you wanna go back to my place?" The girl says "sure!" So they arrive at his house, he says "hey, you know I've always had this thing I want to do!" She says "what is it?" He says "Nevermind you'll think I'm weird!" She says "I like new things." He says "ok, I have always wanted to do a girl with my big toe!" She says "ok, I'm down for that!" So he does her with his big toe and goes to sleep! He wakes up and she is gone! He looks down and his toe is fat, green, and puss is running out of it! So he goes to the doctor. The doctor examines it and goes out of the room. He comes back in and the guy says "so what is it doc?" The doc says "you have a case of gonarrhea of the big toe!" The guy says "that's probably the weirdest thing you've ever seen huh?" The doctor says "Actually no. A girl came in here about an hour ago with athlete's cunt!"

Re: riddle
 

that was really good that's so funny, thank you for that laugh! :-)