the costume party
 

A woman decided to give a costume party. She told all the guests to come dressed as an emotion, and the other guests would try to guess what emotion each costume represented. First came a man dressed all in blue. Of course his emotion was easy - he had the blues. Next came a woman dressed all in green. Her emotion was easy too - she was green with envy. Finally in came a man who was completely naked, except for a bowl of custard strapped around his waist, and his penis in the custard. Nobody could guess what emotion he represented. Finally the hostess said, "We give up. What emotion are you?"
And the man said, "I'm fucking disgusted."

old lady riding horse
 

An old lady in her seventies gives thought to all the things she's done in her life. She thought about the things she hadn't done and decides to try horseback riding , even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the old lady begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the old lady attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

One day this cat went for a walk along the lake, it was walking around minding its own business when it saw a little saussage poking out of the water, the cat walked over and stuck one of its paws in.
The next day the cat was walking along the same rivier and it saw the saussage again this time it was bigger so the cat walked over and stuck both its front paws in.
A week later the cat came back and saw a HUGE saussage poking out of the water so it took a run up and dived into the water.

Whats the moral of the story??

The bigger the saussage the wetter the pussy.

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

Superman flew past a skyscraper and saw wonder woman naked, spreadeagled on the roof. He thought "mmm.. with my super powers i could fly down there shag her and fly away before she knew what hit her'. So he did.
Seconds later wonder woman asks 'what was that??!'
'I dont know', says the invisible man, 'but my arse hurts!'.

Old Chinese proverbs ;)
 

Men who drop watch in toilet have shitty time

Men who stand on toilet is high on pot

Men who go to bed with itchy bum, wakes up in morning with smelly finger

Men who walk thru airport turnstile sidewards is going to Bangkok

Virginity is like bubble... one prick and it's gone

Men with hand in pocket feel cocky all day

Men who stand behind car all day get exhausted

Foolish men give wife grand piano. Wise men give wife upright organ

Panties not best thing on earth - but next to best thing on earth

Men who fish in other mans well soon to catch crabs

Men who masturbate into cash register soon to come into money

Passionate kiss is like a spider's web - leads to undoing of fly

two idiots! LOL!!!
 

Two idiots drove to a gas station in a remote district for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the patrons of the station, to anybody who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the man asked the attendant about the contest. The attendant said, "If you win, you're entitled to free SEX," and the man asked how can he enter the contest. The attendant explained, "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess it right you win free SEX."

So the idiot filled up and asked to play the contest and said, " I Guess 7."

"Sorry I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.

The next week, the two returned to the same gas station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one idiot asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex. "2," said the idiot. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As the two idiots were walking back to the car, one idiot said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the other idiot, "My wife won twice last week."

don't move!!!
 

A woman and her lover are in bed when her husband arrives home early. She jumps up, shoves her lover in a corner of the room, rubs him down with baby oil and douses him in talcum powder.
"Don't move!" she whispers. "Act like a statue!"
When the husband enters the bedroom, he compliments his wife on the new decoration. She explains that the Smith family next door recently acquired a similar statue for their bedroom, and if they could get one, so could she. The couple then go to bed. At midnight the husband sneaks downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies and returns upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue.
"Here," he says. "I stood around for three days at the Smiths' house and they never fed me a thing!"

Private Hospital Perks
 

A guy is in a British private hospital, in bed, asleep, with an oxygen mask on his face. The nurse walks in, see's he's a little sweaty, and proceeds to wipe his brow. Feeling this, the guy opens his eyes. "Oh nurse" he says, "can you check something for me?" "Certainly" say's the nurse, "What is it?" The man looked at her with a pleading expression "Can you please check to see if my testicles are black?" "No one's said anything to me and I really need to know if my testicles are black." Without further ado, the nurse pulled back the sheets, took his manhood in one hand and felt around his balls with the other. Within seconds, the guy's manhood grew and grew. The nurse took no notice - professional - and, just as she expected, the fluid flew forth. Without a word, the nurse let nature take it's course, then wiped the guy down once the flow had finished. Pulling the sheets back up, the nurse looked at the guy and said "Well, Mr Brown, I'm pleased to say that everything down there is in perfect working order, so there's nothing to be concerned about in that department." The guy looked at her. He was obviously elated and well pleased. "Thank you nurse, that was totally unexpected and very much appreciated, but ,can you tell me..." he removes the oxygen mask... "Are my test results back?"

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

What do you call a hooker in Alaska?

A frostitute.

:-))))

Re: Humor: funny stories and jokes
 

that's classic ;) read this one


A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds"

Sexual Harassment
 

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Like Married
 

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

She says, "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

Idiots of 2004
 

Number One Idiot of 2004

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.



Number Two Idiot of 2004

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.



Number Three Idiot of 2004

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.



Number Four Idiot of 2004

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At that point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.



Idiot Number Five of 2004

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.



Idiot Number Six of 2004

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts.



Idiot Number Seven of 2004

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Aging With A Smile
 

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.

The Lawyer and the Lexus
 

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

One Sunday morning, a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long-johns, grabs the dog, goes to the garage, hooks up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes for his regular Sunday fishing trip. Coming out of his garage, the rain is pouring down; it's like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph, really bad conditions for fishing.

Minutes later, he returns to the house, goes inside and turns the TV to the Weather Channel and finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So, he puts his boat back in the garage, goes back to the bedroom, quietly undresses, slips back into bed and cuddles up to his wife's back.

Now with a different anticipation, he whispers, "The weather out there's terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Yeah; can you believe my stupid husband went out fishing?"

:lol:

What is the smartest thing ever came out of a woman's mouth?

Einstein's dick

:lol:

a guy was cruising round the streets of a really run down area when he spotted a kid on the sidewalk. Winding down his window, he stopped by the kid, holding out a bag of candy, said, "Hey kid, if you come in my car I'll give you a candy." The street-wise kid looked at him and replied, "If you gimme the whole bag and I'll come in your mouth!"

There was a young man who decided to join the Peace Corps. When he finished his training, he was assigned to work with a tribe in Africa. His instructor said to him, "When you're living with this tribe, the one thing you must never do is mess with their women. They will kill you if you do." The young man took this warning seriously, and when he got to the tribe's village, he stayed away from the women. However, a year after he got there, one of the girls in the tribe gave birth to a white baby. The young man was taken before the chief who ordered that he be put to death. The young man tried to explain about mutations and so on but the chief didn't understand. Finally in desperation, the young man said, "Chief, take a look at your flock of sheep outside. They're all white, except for that black baby lamb. Now do you understand what I'm saying?" The chief thought for a moment, then said, "Okay. You no tell, I no tell." :lol:

some vampire jokes!

A vampire walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of hot water. The barman is a little confused but hands the vampire what he ordered. An hour later another vampire comes into the bar and asks for a glass of hot water. The barman becomes more confused but gives the vampire what he ordered. A few seconds later another vampire walks in and asks for the same thing, a glass of hot water. The barman couldn't take it anymore and finally asked what it was for. The vampire pulled out a used tampon from his pocket and says, “It's for my tea.”

another one :)

What did the vampire say to the high school girl?

See you next period.

A guy walks into a bar and sees that there is some sort of contest going on. He askes the barman "what type of contest is it?". The barman replies "it's to see who can make the horse in the back room laugh". The guy thinks about it and figures he can do it, even though nobody had succeded so far. He walks into the back room and a few seconds later comes out and the horse is rolling on the floor with laughter. The guy collects his prize and leaves.

The next day the guy somes back to the bar and there is another contest going on, this time to see who can make the horse cry. The guy thinks to himself "no problem". So he walks in the back room and a few seconds later walks out, and the horse is bawling. The barman asks "I want to know how did you do it so easily both times?" The guy replies "the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his... the second time I showed him!!" :roll:

A woman and her husband were lying in bed, the husband was reading a book while his wife was trying to sleep, out of nowhere the husband reaches over, plays with his wife, and then continues reading, the wife turns over and grins at her husband then procedes to go back to sleep, a few minutes later the husband reaches up his wifes nightgown, plays with her a little, then continues reading again, so this time the wife thinks "ok, I'm going to get some loving tonight!" so she gets undressed and starts kissing her husband's neck. Her husband looks over and says "what are you doing?" and the wife says "well, you kept touching me so I thought you wanted to have sex" the husband then laughs and says "No! I WAS JUST GETTING MY FINGERS WET TO TURN THE PAGES!!"

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear. The blonde realises he is staring and inquires "Are you looking at my pussy?" "Yes, I'm sorry," says the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright" replies the woman "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss. The man is completely absorbed and inquires what else the pussy can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. He stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Stunned, he replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

A man comes home late one night and decides to have sex with his wife. They do it, then go to sleep. The next day at work, the man gets bored and calls his wife.
Maid: Hello?
Man: Hello? Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Man: I don't remember getting a maid, anyways... where is my wife?
Maid: She is upstairs with a man whom I figuered was her husband.
Man: What?! Ok, get the gun from the kitchen.
Maid: Got it.
Man: Now, go and shoot my wife and the man that she is with.
The man hears the phone drop, footsteps, and a couple of gunshots.
Maid: What do I do with the bodies?
Man: Throw them in the pool.
Maid: What pool?
Man: Hm... Is this 555-7943?!

what are six most important men in a woman's life and why?

the doctor - he says to take your clothes off
the interior designer - he says once it's in you'll love it
the beautition - he asks if you want it teased or blown
the banker - he says if you take it out too soon you'll lose interest
the milk man - he asks if you want it in the front or back
the dentist - he says open wide

There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from an airplane. Ten were blonde and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping. So the problem solved...

what did an elephant say to tarzan when he was naked?

"how can you breath with such a small nose?" :o

A guy walks into an adult store and asks the lady at the counter for a blow up doll. She asks him "oral, anal, or regular?" The guy replies "well I want regular". She then asks him "male or female?" The guy replies "well I want female". Then she says "do you want muslem or christian?" The guy says "why the hell would that matter?" The girl at the counter says "The muslem one blows itself up." LOL

Q: What language do lesbians speak?
A: Lesbineese

:lol:

There was a blond, a brunette and a redhead waiting to see the doctor for an ultrasound. The redhead says "I'm expecting a boy, I heard if you want to have a boy you should be on the bottom during sex." Then the brunette says "I'm hopeing for a girl, I heard if you want to have a girl you should be on top during sex."

Then the blond starts crying, so the brunette and the redhead looked over at the blond and asked. "Whats wrong? Why are you crying?" The blond replied "I don't wanna have puppies!"

There is one thing that a man has that the government can never tax, that's his penis, because ninety percent of the time it's not working, ten percent of the time it's in the hole, and if that isn't enough, it only has two dependents, and they are both nuts!

Two young boys, both from well-to-do families, were talking over a Macdonalds.

1st Boy: Our new French maid is a robot.

2nd Boy: A Robot? Maids aren’t robots.

1st Boy: But ours is... I overheard my dad telling one of his golf buddies that he screws her ass off every Saturday!!!

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their dicks?"

"Yes, dear" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn’t have to explain it to her daughter.

"But when a baby’s actually being born," responded the teenager.... "how does it get past your teeth?"

A very shy guy goes for a drink and sees a beautiful woman sitting alone at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won’t sleep with you!"

Everyone in the bar stared at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What ya mean you want 200 bucks for a blow job?"

A female TV reporter went to have an interview with a French farmer, seeking to find out the main cause of Mad Cow Disease.

The Lady: - "Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the causes of Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?"

The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that the bull fucks the cow once a year?"

The Lady (getting embarrassed), "Well sir, that’s a new piece of information, but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"

The Farmer, "Well Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day ?"

The Lady, "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"

The Farmer, "I am getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and fucking you once a year, wouldn’t YOU get mad?"

:lol:

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of ‘boobies’ are there?”

The father, surprised, answers.

"Well, son, there’s three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?", said the son.

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?"

The mother smiles and answers.

"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. In his thirties and forties, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it’s like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?", said the daughter.

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

A man is standing at the urinal in a public toilet quietly going about his business when the door flies open and a big black guy runs in, whips his dick out and letting out a sigh of relief stands next to him. The black guy smiles at him and says "Just made it!!" The first man takes a look at the black man’s dick and say’s "Shit!... Could you make me one like that?"

This one’s been around, but it never gets old.

Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob.

Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can’t beat a blowjob.

A father catches his son masturbating:
- Son, you can go blind by masturbating.
- Dad, I'm over here!!

:o

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure devise. She gets completely upset.

"You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I’ll explain the toy if you explain the kids."